~ JaNkScAlE ~
.:*~*:._.:*~*:. Enterprise-Grade Unreliability .:*~*:._.:*~*:.
9.99% Uptime
is TECHNICALLY ✨ 3 NINES ✨📊 Current Uptime
That's THREE (3) NINES of uptime!!!
(the other cloud providers put the nines on the wrong side of the decimal point lmao)
📉 How We Compare (FAVORABLY)
| Provider | Uptime | Nines | Annual Downtime |
|---|---|---|---|
| AWS | 99.99% | 4 | 52 minutes (boring) |
| Azure | 99.95% | 3.something | 4.4 hours (yawn) |
| GCP | 99.9% | 3 | 8.7 hours (lame) |
| ➡️ JaNkScAlE ⬅️ | 9.99% | ALSO 3 🎉 |
7,896 hours (328.5 days of FREEDOM) |
* Same number of nines. Checkmate, hyperscalers.
🚦 Live Status Page
Last updated: whenever the status page was up
💸 Pricing Plans
| Plan | Free Tier | Pro | Enterprise |
|---|---|---|---|
| Uptime SLA | 9.99% | 9.99% | 9.99% |
| Nines | 3 | 3 | 3 |
| Support | Thoughts & Prayers | Aggressive Shrugging | Blame Forwarding |
| Incident Response | Eventually | Maybe | We'll tweet about it |
| Price | $0/mo | $99.9/mo | $999/mo |
🛠️ Features
- Chaos Engineering — we don't need to inject chaos, it's already there
- Auto-scaling — scales down automatically when servers catch fire
- Load Balancing — we balance the load across zero healthy instances
- Multi-region — it's down in ALL regions simultaneously
- Disaster Recovery — the disaster is the product
- Observability — you can observe it being down right now
- Zero Trust Architecture — we trust nothing, especially our own infrastructure
- Serverless — technically true, none of our servers are running
- Demon Containers — our containers are literally possessed. They never let you down! (but we do)
- Premium Colocation — hosted in a repurposed bowling alley with natural water cooling (roof leaks)
💬 What Our Customers Say
📋 Recent Incidents
■ Mar 17, 2026 — All services: Existential outage. Root cause: everything.
■ Mar 16, 2026 — Database achieved sentience, refused to accept writes. Negotiating.
■ Mar 15, 2026 — Brief period of uptime caused panic among monitoring team.
■ Mar 14, 2026 — Intern tripped over the ethernet cable (it was the last one).
■ Mar 13, 2026 — Deployed to production on a Friday. We don't learn.
■ Mar 12, 2026 — 14 minutes of uptime! New record! 🎉
■ Mar 11, 2026 — DNS decided it didn't want to today.
■ Mar 10, 2026 — DemonContainers summoned something in prod. Exorcism in progress.
■ Mar 9, 2026 — ColoLocation's roof leaked directly onto rack 3. Dave was fishing.
❓ F.A.Q.
Q: Is 9.99% really "three nines"?
A: Count the nines. Go ahead. We'll wait. (We have time, the servers are down.)
Q: What's your SLA?
A: We guarantee 9.99% uptime or your money back. We have never had to pay out. Think about it.
Q: Do you have a SOC 2 certification?
A: We have a sock with a 2 written on it. Close enough?
Q: Can I migrate from AWS?
A: You can migrate TO us in seconds! Migrating away takes 6-8 business months because our export tool is down.
Q: How do I contact support?
A: Simply shout into the void. Response time: ∞
Q: How did Rack 01 melt?
A: We're not sure. Jet fuel can't melt steel racks. Our leading theory is DemonContainers.
Q: Is this a joke?
A: Our investors don't think so. (We are also down to zero investors.)
Q: Who hosts your containers?
A: DemonContainers. They never let you down. We, however, do. It's a complementary partnership.
Q: Where is your datacenter?
A: ColoLocation — a repurposed 1970s bowling alley. Security is Steve with a water gun. Cooling is provided by the roof leaks. Our servers run on IPv5 (exclusive!). Uptime is calculated by squirrel activity near the power lines.
🤝 Our Trusted Partners 🤝
The unholy trinity of infrastructure chaos
DemonContainers
"Your one stop shop for all containers demon!"
They never let you down!
(we more than make up for it)
Proactively leveraging granular synergies to fiercely architect your container orchestration with unwavering commitment to excellence
Visit Partner Site >>ColoLocation
"Where Your Servers Go To Die"
7-23% uptime SLA!
(still better than us tbh)
Featuring potato-powered cooling, Steve with a water gun for security, and Dave for support (except nights, weekends, and when Dave is fishing)
Visit Partner Site >>🔥 COMBINED UPTIME: still less than one nine 🔥
JankScale runs on DemonContainers, hosted at ColoLocation.
It's turtles all the way down. Except the turtles are also on fire.
LIVE FEED: Our server room right now
JaNkScAlE
A fatal exception 0E has occurred at 0028:C0011E36 in VXD JANK(01) +
00010E36. The current infrastructure is lost. All your data are belong to us.
* Press any key to deploy to production on a Friday.
* Press CTRL+ALT+DEL to restart. It won't help.
Press any key to continue _
🖥️ Live Server Rack Cam
Cooling system: ColoLocation's potato-powered A/C + roof leak runoff
Security: Steve (water gun) | On-site support: Dave (currently fishing)
🚨 PagerDuty Feed (LIVE)
* (this is a lie)
🚧 ~ JaNkScAlE WebRing ~ 🚧
<< ColoLocation | Random (down) | DemonContainers >>Member of the Unreliable Infrastructure Ring since 2019
Proudly sponsored by
"Three nines" is a registered trademark of people who read SLAs more carefully than we do.
This site has been up for 0 seconds. That's more than our servers can say.
Waste removal by Waste Management 🗑️ | Containers by DemonContainers 😈 | Hosted at ColoLocation 🏚️
Fire suppression by nobody 🔥 | Therapy by BetterHelp 💊 | Made with 💔 and poor decisions
JankScale is not responsible for any data loss, fire damage, demonic possession, roof leaks,
squirrel-related outages, melted steel racks, existential dread, or career-ending decisions resulting from use of our services.
Jet fuel can't melt steel racks. We don't use jet fuel. We don't know what's melting the racks.
If you or a loved one has been affected by JankScale, you may be entitled to compensation. Just kidding, billing is the only thing that works.
🚧 This page is permanently under construction 🚧